Saturday, October 13, 2018

Fighting Nazis Right Here, in Toonigh


One of the things that really surprised me about the Trump era was the sudden appearance of people fighting Nazis all over the place. I honestly didn't know Nazis were still a thing. Oh I know. A whole bunch of retired or now deceased news people warned us about the dangers of Nazis, Neo-Nazis, and Skinheads long ago. Luminaries from the golden age of broadcast news before it was watered down into 24 hours a day 7 days a week mediocrity.

Guys like Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, and Morton Downey Jr.



Apparently Nazis are just crawling around everywhere. Especially ever since Donald Trump announced his campaign back in 2015. It only seems to be this sudden thing. After all, look at who was warning us about it back when we just didn't want to believe.


That settles it for me. I decided to take the fight against these evil Nazis to my own town. I was going to get involved. However, I had a problem. I had no idea where to start. You see, our local chapter of the White Nationalist Democratic Socialist Worker's party, aka the Nazis, have never stopped by. I haven't seen so much as a flyer or even an article in the local newspaper. I have seen some decent recipes for pickles. I like pickles pretty good too. Especially home made with a bit of spicy to them. You would think having a bunch of Nazis running around might be just a tad bit more important than using fresh dill. Doesn't that stand to reason?

So after long days of looking into it occasionally I finally found the location of our local branch of the White Nationalist Democratic Socialist Worker's party. That would be Nazis for short. It turns out it was pretty close to the house, over in the town of Toonigh. I won't say exactly where, but it lies somewhere between the Church of God and the QT station.


Speaking of which, is it just me or has QT coffee lost a bit over the years? I will be the first to admit they have some pretty good doughnuts and apple fritters. I think they need to throw out their supply of coffee grounds and buy some fresh. I am just saying if I wanted bad hospital coffee I would catch pneumonia.

It turns out the Toonigh branch of the Nazi party doesn't have a phone so I decided to just drop in. Which just about describes the whole thing perfectly. There, in the back of a converted chicken house with the words "Nazi meeting here" painted on one side, I found the local party representative. He was sitting in an old broken down Lazy Boy drinking PBR and smoking a Raleigh. Apparently the Toonigh branch of the Nazi party is a little short on propaganda funds. Instead of the framed portrait of Hitler, which I was expecting, they had drawn a picture of him on the wooden wall that once kept chickens from running amuck. It also turns out "they" is a bit of an exaggeration too. "They" turned out to be a fellow by the name of Field Marshal "Cooner" Bibb.

I asked "Cooner" how he came by the title of Field Marshal.

"I was granted that title by a unanimous vote of the party members."

Though I hated to do it, I asked how he came by the name "Cooner".

"Cooner is what everyone calls me. It comes from an unfortunate incident way back in high school. See, there was this 'coon in a burlap sack which I had been lead to believe was a possum. It wouldn't have been so bad, 'cept the door handles in my truck were busted and I couldn't reach the handle to roll down the windows...."

Sounds pretty exciting, I said, but I would really like to talk about your work for the Nazi party here in Toonigh.

"Oh it was exciting! Anyway, I have been recruiting Nazis here ever since I graduated high school back in '73 and got married."

How do you go about recruiting members?

"Well, I had a sign out by the mail box for a while, but the post rotted away so I painted it on the side of the party headquarters. And every day, 'specially when the wife gets mad, I come out here. I drink a bit, enjoy my smokes, and wait to see if anyone shows up."

That doesn't appear to have been terribly a successful strategy.

"Oh I don't know, it works pretty good for me. See, my wife don't like beer drinking and she doesn't want me to smoke in the house. So I come out here. And she hates Nazis. She don't want nothing to do with it. So everything just works out, you know?"

I don't know about the rest of the country, but as for Toonigh Georgia? I think we are holding the line, keeping our Constitutional Republic safe from the scourge of Nations Socialist Worker's Parties and the like just fine.

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